Sunday, April 25, 2010

With Out Answers

I would like to apologize a head of time for this post. This blog is a place I write about things happening in my life as well as my art. The happenings of my life effect my art and art effects my life.
My family has suffered a loss. One without answers. I found out yesterday that my cousin took her own life. There was no note, no hints, no words just the loss of her presence in our lives. She left behind a child who will never remember her Mother and to me this is the saddest thing of all. The sadness for this child has a grip on me like one I have never felt before. I know all too well what it is like to have lost a parent before I got a chance to know or remember them. Their spirit lives on in the minds of others but with so many unanswered questions that you are afraid to ask. Asking brings pain to the one who remember.

My poor Mother is a basket case. She has suffered so many losses of late. Dear friends and family alike. Almost too much for her to take. I feel terrible for her and am no comfort to her at all. How does one comfort someone with a loss? I don't think it is possible. Being there seems to be a good thing but useless at the same time. I just know that either way I am numb from the confusion this has left behind. What Courtney left behind. I hope she has found the peace she was seeking. Beatuiful on the outside and fighting on the inside. Left behind love and pain to those who knew her. With out answers.


Tracy said...

So sorry for you and to your family, but especally to the child.
We suffered an unexplained loss as well. My nephew and his wife just lost their baby, she only had 3 weeks left in her pregnancy and the baby died, no one knows why.
This has really brought me such sadness. I think it could be understood better if we knew the reason. That is the hardest part
as you know.
Take Care

cynthia lee designs said...

I'm so sorry for you and your family on the loss of your cousin. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.


PEA said...

Thank you Tracy,
I had seen that post on your blog. So very sad. It is a horrible thing and so close to the what should be joy.
The unanswered questions are what will keep me up late at night for a few days.
May you and your family find peace and joy again soon.

PEA said...

Thank you Cindy,
it is most appreciated it. The sadness hit hard today. I just wish I could take it away from her daughter.

~Tonya said...

Oh Pea, I am so very sorry. The unanswered questions and children left behind are the most difficult in a situation like this. No one can know how she felt, on the very sad and I am sure a terrible loss.

Know my thoughts and prayers are with all of you. I am so sorry for your loss.

Hugs, thoughts and prayers,

PEA said...

Thank you Tonya, Her daughter has been on my mind all day. Sweet little Dionna.
I can only imagine the sadness she feels. Nothing I can do to help her. I just feel lost in it all.
Prayers are always welcome and appreciated.

Christine said...


I am so sorry to hear of the loss you and your family are is especially hard when there are no explainable reasons.....prayers for you and your family. Hugs, christine

PEA said...

Thank you Christine, it is so appreciated.
Blessings to you and yours,Pea

Confounded Concoctions said...


I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart and prayers go out to you, little Dionna and the rest of your family.

We cannot know the heart and thoughts of another person but can know that God is True and Good and Faithful in His promises.

Much love,


PEA said...

Thank you Annette,
It is greatly appreciated. I am dealing with this and finding a little more peace each day. I know she is in better hands.

Pam said...

Pea, I think you will be like our family and so many others,the rest of your life will wonder why. Its something we will never understand. Just when we think we do then we don't.We will always think "what if".We will always wish they had called us before doing that or got some kind of help. Hugs to you & your family.~~Pam

PEA said...

You hit the nail right on the head. Just when I think I have moved on or past it the tears come flooding in again.
I have asked God to bring me some acceptance of what it is and to move on. I can't keep letting it get me to the point where I am dragged down.
I will always wonder and hope her little girl never has to think"what did I do that made Mommy leave me?"